they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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