Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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