Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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