Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
