it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
