i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
