I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
