eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
