I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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