I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
