My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize