i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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