i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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