I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
