who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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