I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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