17 year olds will be the death of me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
