i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
