I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
