Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize