Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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