is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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