Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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