Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
