did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
