he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
