So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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