I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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