where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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