so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
