only if we run a train.
done.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
