I faked an abortion last night.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize