i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
porn star boner night. come get it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
