Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
