I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
