i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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