i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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