I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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