I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
