It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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