all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize