Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
