meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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