he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
