Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have tasted many bathrooms
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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