Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
