I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
