I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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