lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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