And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
