Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
