My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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