he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
