the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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