I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
