so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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