He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
