rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
