forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
