Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
