my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
