my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I need to calm my uterus...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
